Today we have five beautiful children. One of whom we are fostering. I live with the reality that one of "my" children I have to hold to more loosely than the others. With one of them, I have to be more cautious with my words. I cannot tell her "I am your mommy forever". I cannot tell her "You are mine". I can only tell her I will love her always and forever.
Angie has been in our family for five months now, and fostering has stretched our family on every level. It's not always easy raising someone else's child. Loving, disciplining, and caring for them. I often have to remind myself why we are doing this, and how we got here in the first place. It's testing, my patience has not magically shot up on the scale as I imagined it would. ?Everything in our home is different, how we discipline our own children has changed because of how careful we have to be with the?discipline?of our foster daughter. Meal time is different, catering to a malnourished child who was fed only chicken nuggets and french fries is a constant and daily struggle. ?Bed time is different. Bed rooms have been changed, beds re assigned, bed times swapped around and in the end we still have a three year old little girl who sleeps in our room every night to help with her waking up crying. Nothing has gone unchanged.
We waited over a year to be licensed for care. The spark to act and do something was started by other adopting families in church, and like many foster & adoption journey's seem to begin- my husband was?absolutely?not for it. So I waited and prayed. Stalked blogs. Requested information. Talked and talked and talked about it then prayed more. I thought for sure when my husband was ready, it was going to be to adopt. I already had agency application packets stacked away and ready to be filled out! Months passed, and I stumbled upon a blog about a family who fostered. I began stalking it, finding myself talking to my husband about it- but something was different this time, he was actually paying attention and would talk about this family and fostering with me. It was in November 2010 that after one of our fostering talks that my husband finally said we could do it! ?I know, I should have been super excited and jumping for joy- but I was actually more on the... "im kind of afraid of foster kids because of the bad stigma & stories I hear, and I knew I would simply not be able to let a child go home" side. Which is funny looking back on it now because I can't stand it when someone uses the "I wouldn't be able to let them go" as their excuse not to act. But God dealt with me. I can let go. I can love a child and let them leave. If this is what God wants us to do- then every thing is going to be ok.?
Over the next few days I researched and prayed so much I'm surprised my head didn't explode. I requested a packet to foster, we filled it out, and December 1st it was completed and turned in to the licensing worker. A year of paperwork, inspections, and home visits, we finally had our license! God used that year to grow us and prepare us because two weeks later we got our first call. "We have a 3 year old little girl we are needing to place in a home today, can you come get her?" .?I was so, so nervous as I walked into the DSS building. I was lead into a small room, and boom. There she was. A tiny blued eyed girl with the most beautiful curls I've ever seen. After I loaded her up, we were on our way home. "This is it" I thought to myself. We are doing it. This is what we've been waiting for. I was so excited to be able to love on this little girl. Little did I know, loving on her did not mean cuddling and braiding hair while singing sweet songs.?
In the past, love has always come easy for me. Love is choice, but I never had to try at it. I love God, it's not hard. I love my husband, and I'm blessed to say that it's not hard either. I love my kids, we might have hard days- but I never stop, and I never have to try, work or choose to love them. ?I just do.
Love, no big deal. Until we brought Angie into our home, when I had to learn how to love her. I had to wake up every single morning and choose to love her. Not the emotional, cuddling on the couch reading a book- oh I love this little girl- kind of love. ?I had to choose to love her at 3am, awake bathing her from an accident she had that night. Did I feel like I loved her very much that night? No, I was tired. Grossed out. Grouchy. I didn't feel like I loved her the time we were in the middle of the grocery store and she threw a huge screaming tantrum, either. I had to choose it. Love is not picnics and sweet family photos. It was on nights like these that love was redefined to me. God taught me through Angie that love can be anything but easy.?
Jesus washed the?disciples?feet. This story was the only thing I could think about while washing Angie in the tub that night. He washed their feet, him being perfect in every way got down and scrubbed their feet. Think about it, mens feet. Their shoes, if they had any, were probably barely there anyway. Imagine calluses and dirt, fungus...whatever else that could have been lurking on feet of men who walked miles and miles in dirt everyday. It says:?
"(John 13:12)??When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place.??Do you understand what I have done for you???he asked them.???You call me ?Teacher??and ?Lord,??and rightly so, for that is what I am.?Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another?s feet.?I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.?Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master,?nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.?Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them."
I can wash up this little girl in the middle of the night or day. It is not about the feet or the mess anyway. It's love, and?Love can be downright hard and exhausting. But after all of the pain, exhaustion, blood and tears that he shed for us- this love is the least we can do for him.
Back in April when I was going to speak ...was when I began writing this. I'd gotten down a few paragraphs but my mind would completely shut off when I would try to think of the ending. But this month, I knew what the ending would be. Tomorrow our sweet Angie is going to be?reunited?with her parents for good. Am I ready? No. Of course, it's going to be awfully hard. Five months may not sound like a long time, but to a 3 year old little girl, five months is forever. My heart aches for the confusion that she is going to have. We are her family, she loves her sisters and she adores her new baby brother. We've been trying to get her excited about going home and preparing her for it, but she does not grasp that tomorrow when we drop her off....that is it. Mommy is not coming to pick her back up.
The very first verse I memorized when I became a christian was Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and future". I clung to that verse for months, and now I can rest in him and be confident that he going to care for Angie. He hears my prayers and he has a plan for this little girl. Her time with us had a purpose, even if we will never know what it was.
God does not promise us a life without heartache, but he promises he will always be here to comfort us through it. Missions, pastoring, fostering, adopting, parenting, mentoring...all of these things and more come don't come with an easy button or promise of it being a walk in the park wonderful time. ?I continue to remind myself that this is what it's about. To be him. To care for the widows, the orphans, the poor, the needy, the lonely, the homeless. He reaches into our messes and pursues us, and he calls us to do the same. It may not be foster care for you, who is the Lord calling you to see? Who is the lord calling you to love?
So tomorrow, we will be back to a family of 6. I will only have 4 little ones to bathe, feed, dress, and teach. We will have one extra car seat, and one empty bed. I will miss her curls and her laugh, her compassion for her siblings, her crazy dance moves and cheesy smile. Bringing Angie into our family brought us so much joy. Many laughs, many hugs, kisses and I'm certain we have perfected the chorus to "red solo cup" for her. ?A small part of us will?definitely?be missing while we wait for the next call.
?But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy.??Philippians 2:17 (NLT)
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Source: http://busybudgetmom.blogspot.com/2012/07/as-im-writing-cartoons-are-on-in.html
st nicholas mindy mccready mindy mccready cliff harris cliff harris josh turner barnaby
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